To the New Girl

I remember having the raging hormones, just last month, and all of the complications that I thought were in my life. For the past year, I’ve dealt with a whole mess of emotions that had never occurred to me that I’d someday have to face. I’ve crushed, I’ve lusted, I’ve desired, and I’ve been desired. I’ve made decisions that I thought were for other people, and I realize that they were all mine, no matter who the intentions benefited. I’ve wanted to kiss someone, and I’ve wanted to hold someone else, and every now and then there’s someone I’m curious about fucking, and perhaps I’ll meet someone to love and make love to. I have many years to look forward to, in a complete life, but I could die tomorrow. For the first time in a long time, I’m not in any sort of rush to be anywhere or do anything, or get anything done, or be with anyone. I’m in no rush, and it feels great. I’m standing still, and the part of the world surrounding me is starting to catch up to me. Or am I catching up to it? It doesn’t matter. All that matters is what feels good. What I enjoy. What makes me comfortable, and I’m comfortable with you. I’m not saying that I’m one of those artists who can get on with his life without getting drunk or high and ruining your life, or who falls in love with a younger, more Asian, woman, or a guy willing to mutilate or die to prove his own worth to himself with you as an excuse. I’d just like to spend more time with you. I’d just like to know you, and help you, and be whatever it is you need from a person like myself. I won’t always be charming or understanding, but I want to be, if it’s what you like. It’s what you deserve. I want to know: are you comfortable with me? Do you understand? Will you allow me the pleasure to be there for you? There may come a time when I ask some things of you, and I trust you to tell me when I ask for too much. Everyone butts heads. Oh, I look forward to an answer. Well, in due time, I guess. I feel so great right now. I guess you’ll let me know when you’re ready for this kind of question from me.

I don’t know what to post about.

I said that I’d try to keep things up to date on here, and really all I have to say is “I’m in another show and I can’t read comics these days.” to hit the nail on the head.
I’m experimenting with sublimation tiles and printer ink. It’s rad.
I’m not quite as excited to act now as I was last year.
I’m not sure quite what to do or not do about someone who’s just entered the picture. I remember saying before that I document thoughts and ideas in notepads. Well, I also remember writing in one that this is a strange feeling for me. I’m not sure what is the cause for my interest in this person, but she gets more fascinating as time passes. Am I attracted? Am I smitten? I have no fucking clue what I’m feeling, but it feels good, whatever it is.
I recently shaved again. I look fatter and paler. I’m ugly, now, and must wait more than a week to make my hideous jaw disappear behind a mask of facial hair again. There was a time I thought I looked good. Now, this feels like a mistake. If I feel good in a beard, I should keep it. What made me shave it, post-audition thrills? Fuck. I look like a harlequin baby. (That’s a terrible thing to say, and I apologize, but I dislike my appearance that much.)
I’m more impatient. I’m more tired. I’m less angry.
One kid in Drama doesn’t seem to know that he plays for another team, but he’s coming onto me pretty hard. I don’t know what to do about it, how to handle it without lying or hurting the guy.
One friend of mine has something for a girl, and I have noticed that this girl’s started paying a strange amount of attention to me. She is attractive, but I don’t feel much for her, and I fear I’m stealing spotlight from my friend.
I am still very uneasy about some things concerning homosexuality. I don’t know if it’s a homophobic thing, because I get along great with some gay guys and lesbians, but there’s some odd feeling that I feel the need to get over, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of finding a bit homosexuality in myself, but I have to wonder if that’s a real possibility. If I have potentially romantic feelings for a girl, and I’m fascinated by women, then there’s no question that I swing that way. Am I bisexual?
This reminds me of a conversation, in which I recalled what my grandmother said to me about one of my astrological alignments, which she said was a trait rarely held by other men. Something to do with my emotions.
Listening to the Rushmore soundtrack. It is a film that I would call perfect, like Broken Flowers. Why? Dunno, don’t care. I love it. At moments, it reminds me of my friendship with Smith, but Max’s absurd desire for romance from his teacher draws a line. At one point, a long time ago, I thought I had those kinds of feelings, but they’re gone, and all I care to be to Smith is the best friend I can be. Sometimes my taste in film reflects my inner conflicts, and the course of the movie reflects my course of meditation. I never did anything outrageous, like Max Fischer, and it was because I’d drawn his very conclusions in a matter of days. Sometimes I have to remind myself that Smith is attractive, and keep in mind what conclusion others would draw if they don’t understand my inner workings. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s part of Smith’s job to know me, and her job doesn’t stop even when we’re capable of having a regular friendly conversation.

I’m tired. Thoughts of a Drama girl keep me awake at night. What do I do to keep myself from forcing this new person away, or thinking the wrong things about what I think of her? I’m not really “scared” of anything, but I worry about how things can go wrong. She seems easy going, but what does that mean? I’m sure she’s spent enough time finding the more attractive guys wandering the halls, and how long will it be before some confident, pretty guy reaches her interest before I do?
Smith has enrolled the help of Kayla to write our script project as a musical. In Amerson’s class, sometimes she goofs around with her guitar, and sometimes she plays, and I can’t help but be so impressed by her. Not in a jealous way, like I’m accustomed to.
I have the strange feeling that I’ve been cheating my way through my short art career, as a student, and I don’t know why. Like I don’t deserve praise, and it’s all I seem to look forward to, sometimes. I used to do things for praise as a kid, like an excited puppy. Now, when I try to do things for myself, I end up depressed when I don’t get rewarded. I want to say that I’m pathetic, but I know it’s for other reasons.
I’m so tired, these days. I’m hardly a pleasant individual in the mornings. I wish I could be, so… the Drama girl gets a little bit of a better impression of me, but it’s better that I act like myself more than show off something that isn’t me. At all.
Last night, I remember going to sleep, feeling like everything’s alright. Like nothing was of consequence. Nothing bothered me, and all that mattered was whatever I happened to be thinking about at the moment. Now, all day, I’ve been so uncomfortable, like last night’s feeling was a sham, like it was all something from a pill I don’t remember taking, but it wasn’t. What’s with me, now? What calls forth this degree of discomfort?

After I turn 18, I’ll ask everyone who matters to me whether they think I should give that free mental health clinic place a go, and weigh their opinions against my own desires.

Shirt Designs: Part I

Scripts

Victoria Martin: Math Team Queen – another John Hughes type of visual story with 1980s stereotypes in a modern setting. The two romantic climaxes are incredibly well written, and the dialogue is natural and fluid. I have a sense of the characters, but their decisions are predictable, and it’s nothing really new. It is a good reintroduction to story elements and archetypes that are universally identifiable. Parts of The Great Debaters come to mind with the freshman character, and the use of his perception of Vickie and Peter as a vehicle for their romance. I haven’t finished reading it, and everyone’s storyline has gone to shit at this point, so I think I can predict how it’ll all end.
Profanity: “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!”

Four Dogs and a Bone – another one full of stereotypes, with a comical approach to different types of people in the film industry with borderline “fast talk” dialogue, which I love. The producer is a rat who’ll do anything to make a movie work. The young actress uses her questionable connections to get a free ride through Hollywood. The stage actress is the queen of all she sees and must be recognized as such. The writer has a pure artist’s soul, and will not bend to the will of mortals, until his inheritance is swept away. The director is only spoken of. A very literal, complicated explanation of how every generic piece of shit gets put together for the cinema. A great show, if there’s a teleplay version, because I can’t imagine sitting in a theatre house without squirming impatiently with fast-talkers chasing each other in circles.
Profanity: “Do you want to suck my dick?”
The Wild Goose – accompanied Four Dogs and a Bone, in the print that I read, and enjoyed it thoroughly as a mad, thrilling, senseless, funny slap in the face, after enduring a story with a rigid, structured “beginning, middle and end” parody comedy. I loved it, very much.

Art – a European script with three characters who each embody one of the three current attitudes toward modern art, or, at least, collecting modern art. The conflict is shallow, but it moves the characters so vividly. I can’t imagine the show being taken seriously as a performance, but it is a very nice read, and I recommend it to anyone who’s at odds with their own perception of “what constitutes art” and all of the rest of that bullshit.
Profanity: Europeans, especially the ones who seem to like showing off their prowess in artistic trivia like to use the word “fuck” the same way we use “damn”.

First Drama Meeting

Awesome, man, with plenty of talented people. Smith’s afraid of some people overstepping boundaries, but just as in every previous year, everything’s going to turn out fine, as frustrating as things may seem.

I’m disappointed in the lack of interest for Art, the only script that I’ve seriously considered acting for, and I hope to make my mind up soon after reading it, so that I don’t pull a fast one on Smith.

Still working on a shirt design, and I think I’ve come up with a nice sleeve design that I hope people will enjoy.

Unrelated to Drama:
got very little homework to deal with this semester, but with the classes for the next one, things might get really fucking overwhelming…
hopefully, will start working on personal designs and experiments with sublimation tiles in Walls’ class
is already finding Traeger’s class boring, not because it isn’t challenging, but because it demands patience and focus that I’ve only had for few things in the past
will start eating very fucking soon
is finding TA work very easy, so far
thinks movie viewing will be cut a bit short for a while, when Drama stuff picks up
is, surprise, surprise, attracted to nearly half of all the females around him
has stunted in writing frequency