I haven’t been doing well. I neglect my bodily needs and I have fallen back into the habit of rejecting what doesn’t fit my ideal version of reality. Near the end of high school, I was sinking into movies and comics. There were a lot of things going on that really fucked with my ability to process shit. As I was dealing with the terror of walking around at a college campus and encountering scores of new people, only just a few months ago, I fell back on comics and video games. In summer, when less people have had jobs and classes to deal with, it was a pretty rough ride for me to get used to being around my friends again, and even then, I threw strange fits in reaction to being forced to face things about myself and reality that I want to ignore. I’m certainly not the first person to have these kinds of things going on in my head. And I won’t be the first person to let my fear beat me into an awful, awful place for the rest of my life.
I keep bouncing between embracing that I will die without having lived, to put it simply if not dramatically, and wanting to be a part of the rest of the human race. Sometimes I confuse the two. Like in the case of the shitty podcast that I have been “trying” to make. Don’t defend it, by the way, it’s supposed to be shit and I care as much about it as what I flush down the toilet. But I’ve been making it with the excuse of trying to spend time with people. But when spending time with people doesn’t live up to the grandeur I’d hoped, I fall back on the purpose of interaction being the podcast. I originally started it up because I wanted to keep in touch regularly with one person, someone I can fall back on when I was tired of my self-imposed isolation. That’s a lot of responsibility to push onto someone, and it wasn’t fair of me. And it’s not how a healthy person reacts to wanting to break out of fucked habits.
For the first time ever, not too long ago, I had some hardcore introspection about whether or not I wanted to continue living past that night. I obviously did. Besides that, there shouldn’t be a reason for me to think about my own life in this way. You could say that I haven’t experienced anything that would make life unbearable, and I will always believe that there’s potential for a better situation, even if I forget that belief sometimes.
